Thursday, 28 March 2013

Best Friend Dilemma.

The clue's in the title really.

I've known my best friend for ten and a half years. I thought that we'd be friends until we were bitter old ladies, sat next to each other in a Nursing Home knitting away and putting the world to rights. However, that's not really the case any more.

For the past few months she's been constantly ignoring me, making excuses not to see me and just generally not being a very good friend.

She spent the majority of last year unemployed after leaving college. I tried to support her then and she pushed me away. I knew she was struggling but she just didn't want my help. I was doing my finals and she was trying to occupy herself by applying for an endless stream of jobs. She got there in the end and has been working full time for the past few months.

She's an incredibly difficult person to know and to get through to. She won't listen and when she really needs a friend, she pushes everyone except close family members away.

I'm the only person that she's regularly in touch with from school. She's disowned the rest of our mutual friends. She says that she can't be bothered with them because they've made no effort with her. They have, she just didn't realise... Or care.

I'm not going to lie, these past few months have been really tough. I've felt so down for such a prolonged period of time and the only people who've consistently been there for me are my parents.

When I think about how little she's supported me, my initial thought is that I'm just being selfish for expecting her support. She just doesn't realise how other people feel and she's definitely unreceptive to the emotions of others. I feel cruel for even saying that. I haven't seen her properly since last year. I didn't even get a Christmas card. She got a Christmas card and presents before Christmas from me. 

She texted me a few weeks ago to tell me that she was ill. I texted her the next day asking if she was feeling better. She ignored me. So after three days I began to get a little worried. I popped round to see how she was (bearing in mind she lives two minutes walk away from my house), and she couldn't wait to get rid of me. She didn't invite me in and blamed me for her dog wetting itself with excitement because I'd turned up unannounced.

I know our friendship has never been a conventional one, but I do at least expect to get a reply to a text within a week. Something that frequently doesn't happen. I'm losing patience with her. 

I honestly don't know what to do. In my heart of hearts, I feel like our friendship is nothing but a chore to her. I'm a burden to her like I am to many others. And best friends shouldn't make you feel like that, should they?

I can't help who I am and how I am. I can't change to a great extent to fit the needs and wants of other people. And to be honest, if being an unemployed loser for the past ten months has taught me anything, it's that I need to stop trying to please others and focus on making myself happier.

What do I do? Accept that she probably just doesn't want to be friends? Keep on fighting a futile battle? Get on with life and focus on other friends? I honestly don't know. Ten years of friendship would go down the toilet if I were to just walk away; but it's as though she doesn't want me in her life anyway.

We're both only children and there's sometimes a battle of wills when it comes to who's going to get their own way. When we were younger, I never used to give in, but nowadays, she tends to get her way. She deliberately makes me feel bad when there's a threat that she's not going to get her own way. For example, on my birthday a couple of years ago, the two of us went to London. I wanted to go on the London Eye because it's something I hadn't done before. She, however, didn't want to because she'd been on it once before with a relative. She said to me: 

"We can go on it if you really want to, but I really don't want to. If you do though, I suppose I'll go along with it..."

What can I say to that? "Yes I'll force you onto the London Eye against your own will and consequently never hear the end of it..." So, no, I gave in and we didn't go on it. She got her way and I've still never been on the London Eye... 

Recently if I've asked if she's free on a certain day, she'll just ignore my messages. So now I don't generally broach the subject of meeting up. I invited her out for drinks with some other friends over the weekend; she declined my offer.  It's just easier to leave her alone than it is to be ignored or rejected.

I asked her yesterday when she might be next free. She's ignored me. She's been on Facebook today, but she hasn't replied to my message; because I'm evidently a hindrance to her...

It makes me feel like I'm being needy. I'm not though, am I? For wanting the girl who's supposed to be my best friend to just reply to my messages every now and again?

I couldn't resist.

Apologies for this incredibly boring, self-deprecating and insecure post, but it's quite cathartic to write it all out... 
It's really just been a huge excuse for me to use an array of cute pictures. Sorry...